Social media has largely served as a tool for people to project idealized personas into the world. The pendulum then swung in the opposite direction with people turning to these platforms to broadcast their most intimate thoughts. It can be viewed as a vicious cycle. Our constant subjection to scrutiny by others often leads us to turn to those same people the same outlets to confess our discomfort with the whole situation. In a way, this dynamic is on display in UK rapper Slowthai’s latest Instagram post.
He shared a masked photo of himself and penned a lengthy caption that details his most troublesome insecurities and anxieties. He wrote:
“I often laugh when I feel anxious, this awkward laughter, only shows how uncomfortable I feel. I’ve always been socially awkward and found it hard to articulate to people how I truly feel, often lie. Sometimes it’s harder to stay quiet then force conversation and it makes my skin crawl. I build myself up from pieces of other people and when I look in the mirror I shiver cause I feel like I’m wearing somebody elses skin. I’ve never felt happy being on my own and this has caused me to have a dependency. A need to be loved or made to feel as if I should be loved, maybe I search for all the right things in the wrong places. But am I wrong for wanting to belong. Lazy. I live under a rock clinging on to gratification. I trick myself into liking the things I hate and hating the things I love. I’ve never known what’s best for me. And I never felt content with the life I lead. I think about the end every night. But I’m too afraid to say goodbye. ADHD all I want is your undivided attention. The what ifs. I’m selfish and I never cared for sharing. If I was gone would they remember me and would they hurt as I hurt. I’m trying to learn to confine in myself cause I can’t explain why I feel these things. Even though I laugh, I ask what’s funny.”